Tag Archives: love

you (were) the one that I love, and I’m saying goodbye

I admit it. I wanted one last chance to say goodbye.

One last chance to tell you again all the “don’t give up” type of things I used say– the things you didn’t deserve to have me there to say.

One last chance to make you feel like someone believed in you, like you could be more than the shitty life you had doomed yourself to live.

Everyone wants more closure than they get, and I’m no different. I wanted to say goodbye. But not like this.

. . .

I wanted to tell you about the dream I had– not the first one though, where I confronted you and yelled “FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE” and then clocked you a good one. Nor the one where we were together again, and again I felt the fear, the isolation, the inability to reach out, the horror of my voice being taken from me. No, I wanted to tell you about the the third dream; the one where my heart was filled with joy, because I heard that you were with someone new, and you had turned your life around and become what I always believed you could become. You had made it– made it through all the darkness and the mess; made it to the other side. There was no sign of illness: your lungs were whole, your kidneys were clean, your heart was strong, your mind had stitched together its crooked neurological pathways. You were a complete human being, mentally and physically, and you were with someone who made you happy. That’s the dream I wanted to tell you about, because somehow, inexplicably, even after all the hell you put me through– that was still what I wanted for you. I mean, sure, I wanted you to face consequences for your shitty behavior; but at the same time, I wanted you to change, and to live a happy, healthy, full life. I no longer wanted to have a part in that life, obviously, but that didn’t stop me from wanting it for you, for your own sake.

I wanted to tell you about all that, and more.

I wanted one last chance to say “I’ve become more than what was done to me, and I hope you become more than what you did.”

One last chance to say goodbye.

That last bit of closure.

Not closure for “US”, but closure for you and me as individuals. I didn’t want that “so what did our relationship add up to in the end? and what do we mean to each other anyways?” type of closure most people seem to search for. I always knew I never needed it, and eventually I even stopped aching for it. I also didn’t want to exchange anymore confessions; no more apologies and “I forgive you”s. I learned that receiving apologies has nothing to do with receiving peace. I learned that forgiveness does help with peace, but only inwardly. I may have forgiven you a long time ago, but telling you so is an empty gesture unless you’ve forgiven yourself.

See, I wanted the type of closure that comes from knowing you’ll be okay. Where I make you promise to call me up in 5, maybe 10 years, to tell me that my third dream came true; to tell me “hey I made it, and I hope you did too.”

That kind of closure. That kind of last goodbye.

. . .

But… there’s my fourth dream. The one I don’t need to tell you about, because it’s the one that’s becoming your reality. The one that makes it impossible for the third dream to ever come true. A part of me always knew that it would go this way. I mean, when you live the life that you do, it’s impossible to NOT consider that this could be the ultimate consequence. But I still hoped against hope that your body would defy the inevitable, and that it would stay alive through all the shit you did to it.

I wanted one last chance to tell you to stop the bad habits, to get help, to believe that recovery is possible and that there is no such thing as too far gone.

One last chance to remind you that you’re loved and never alone.

One last chance to tell you I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. I couldn’t get to you, even after saying a hundred times “please, please, please, take care of yourself.”

I wanted once last chance to say goodbye. But not like this. Not when goodbye is the only thing left to say.


Reblog: I’ve Been Clean 363 Days

I don’t really have anything to add to this, so I’ll just say that it resonates with me on a very personal level, and mirrors many aspects of my journey the last year and half.

EDIT: on an unrelated note– and yet at the same time, very much related– I could really use prayer today. I received some devastating news this morning that’s really tearing me apart, and I’m kinda going into shock. If anyone could keep me in their thoughts and prayers, it’d be appreciated.

https://medium.com/@MelissaHawks/i-ve-been-clean-363-days-fcc204d234e0


I’m sorry, but I’m done with apologies

 


“Wow, that’s so admirable that you would stay an in abusive relationship for so long! And you were so determined to keep loving him no matter what… most people wouldn’t do that. You’re so strong.”

admirable? strong?? love??? Um, no.

Remaining in that relationship was the most destructive thing I have ever done; it was a sick, twisted codependency, not love; and it was a result of a weakness of character, not a strength of character. Not to say that I blame myself for what happened– I don’t. Or that I view others in abusive relationships as “weak”– I don’t. But the fact of the matter is that it takes a heck of a lot of strength to have self-respect, and to stand up for what you know you are worthy of. That’s a strength I’ve never had, up until about the last 5 months of my life. It’s a strength I wish to God that I DID have 2 years ago, so that I could have avoided the mental, emotional, and physical scars that I’m not convinced I’ll ever be truly rid of. It’s a strength that needs to be understood to BE a strength, and not a selfishness.

I persevered through that hell of a relationship, partly because I thought it was love, but partly because I was experiencing severe chronic depression, and didn’t believe that I deserved any better. He needed someone, and even though he was twisted, dangerous, and unhealthy, I honestly thought it was my purpose to be that person for him, no matter the cost to my own health or to my other relationships. Tell me… what about that is admirable? Because from my perspective, nothing about sacrificing your grades, familial relationships, friendships, ability to confide in anyone but that one person, hope for the future, sanity, and your very sense of self– nothing about that is admirable. It’s not that I was “strong” for not giving up on him, not defending myself to him, not telling anyone the things he did to me. It’s just fucking sad.

It was a nightmare I created for myself, that I would never ever go back to, and that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone– why on earth would that be something you aspire to?

I knew right from the beginning exactly what I was getting into with him. But I never once gave up on it. My own awareness and acceptance through the whole thing continues to haunt me. In the months since, getting through all of the loneliness, confusion, flashbacks, guilt, shame, and horror– THAT took strength. Who I was then was not admirable. But who I am now– while still a flawed, in-the-works person– has made admirable progress. And I intend to keep making progress, until the very day I die.

But I know who I am.

I know what I’m worth.

That’s self-respect. That’s strength. And if anyone doesn’t think it’s right that I so confidently announce my worth– frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to accept myself. Not anymore. I will not apologize for my existence, and I will not apologize for being proud of who I am. Not anymore.

My love story cannot be sculpted into a tragic tale of gallantry. It is a sad, fucked up story, so don’t you dare be inspired by it.


Your Love Never Fails

 

Your love never fails

it never gives up

never runs out on me

 


CW14- My Media Autobiography

this assignment, to choose ten books/songs/poems/movies that chronicle my life and personality, was fun and challenging at the same time. part of the instruction was to be careful to choose media that actually reflect me, not just ones that are my favorites, and i was determined to do that at first. but the ones i chose– 4 songs, 4 books, 2 movies– ended up coming right back to my favorites anyway. i realized that the very thing that makes these my favorites is the same reason i chose them for the assignment: in each one, i connect with the author or a character in a way that makes me feel understood. 

Emily’s Runaway Imagination by Beverly Cleary

(Book)

Emily's runaway imagination

   When I was about eleven, I picked up this book and knew immediately that I was dealing with someone very much like myself. It tells the story of a girl with a vivid imagination who was known for believing in the very things she dreamed up. As a kid, that description would’ve pretty much summed up everything about me. If I could imagine something, it was true. Animals could talk. Magic was real. Even inanimate objects had personalities. Strangest of all, between the ages of four and six, I actually thought I was a dog.

   To be honest, I’m surprised my parents never considered committing me to a psychiatric ward…

 

Peter Pan

(Movie, Animated. 1953)

Peter-Pan-and-Hook

   Throughout my life, growing up was something I always thought would never really happen. It happens to everyone else—sure. But will it happen to me? Never!  Like the legendary Peter Pan, I wanted to remain a kid forever. To me, the realm of adulthood was frightening and enigmatic—not something to be desired.

   I think I was around the age of twelve when I realized that growing old was inevitable. But at the same time, I also realized that growing up was optional. So I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that matter how old I got—twenty… forty-five…  ninety—I would never forget what it was like to be a kid. I would always keep the “child inside me” alive and kicking. At heart, I will always be free and childlike.

    “All children, except one, grow up.”

 

Mess Of Me by Switchfoot

(Song)

   This song is always a reminder to me that I’ve messed up; I’m a sinful, selfish, wretched human being, and I have no one to blame but myself. But, as the song states, I want to spend the rest of my life alive—not in death and decay. And I don’t have to lock my soul in a cage; by sacrificing His life for mine, Jesus gives me the daily chance to wipe the slate clean. I have made a mess of me, but He has made a saint of me.

 I’ve made a mess of me

I wanna get back the rest of me

I’ve made a mess of me

I wanna spend the rest of my life alive

 

  The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

(Book)

giftset1vol-cover-rsz

   This trilogy in and of itself has played a huge part in my teenage years. I’ve read the books four times, watched the movies a dozen times, and you could probably say that I’m mildly obsessed with Middle Earth (my parents joke that I would go to hobbit college. It’s true.). But some of the themes present in these books also reflect themes in my life. For me, one of the most meaningful parts of the story is the example of friendship. As I get older, I realize more and more how truly blessed I have been in the way of friends. Godly, loyal, mature, always there for me, and just plain fun, my friends have helped shape me into the person I am today.

  “You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin—to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours—closer than you yourself keep it. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”

 

Falling Up by Shel Silverstein

(Book)

fallup

   A collection of poems and drawings by Shel Silverstein, this book reflects one hugely major part of my life: humor. I am almost constantly laughing or making people laugh. Like Silverstein’s poems, my humor is sometimes outright hilarious, sometimes silly and pointless, and oftentimes sarcastic. It was once said of me that ninety-nine percent of all the words I speak are sarcastic—which is not true, of course. It couldn’t be more than ninety-five percent. But seriously, I’m kidding.

 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.— Proverbs 17:22

  

Rise Above It by Switchfoot

(Song)

   One lesson that I’ve been learning, particularly in this last year, is that no person and no circumstance can control who I am. No matter if I am being judged, feeling alone, or going through some kind of trial—God will always give me the strength to rise above it. I think I’ve always been something of a rebel, but lately I’ve been discovering how true it is that no one can tell me how to live my life. I will never let another tell my soul what to fear.

Just because you’re running doesn’t mean that you’re scared.

Just because it’s law don’t mean that it’s fair.

Never let another tell your soul what to fear.

I get so sick of it,

It feels so counterfeit.

I rise above it.

 

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien

(Book)

hobbit

   This reflection is actually a paradox, because my personality is, in a way, the exact opposite of Bilbo Baggins’ personality. While he would have preferred staying home with his comfy chairs, I would rather seek out excitement and adventure. But both Bilbo and I had (and I still have) the same lesson to learn: what we most desire is not always what is best for us. Gandalf pushed Bilbo out the door to an adventure that would change his life. Likewise, sometimes when I can only see how a life-changing adventure could bring good things, God simply says, “No.”

   Oftentimes, immediately after disappointment I can see how it was for the best. Sometimes, however, it takes months or even years. There may even be some things I will never fully understand in this life.

 “Sorry! I don’t want any adventures, thank you. Not today. Good morning! But please come to tea—anytime you like. Why not tomorrow? Come tomorrow! Good-bye!” With that the hobbit turned and scuttled inside his round green door, and shut it as quickly as he dared, not to seem rude. Wizards after all are wizards.

  

True Grit

(Movie, 2010)

truegrit

   The very title of this movie pretty much says it all. Like Mattie Ross, a fourteen-year-old girl bent on bringing justice to her father’s killer, I am stubborn, rugged, and outspoken. Although I’ve never formed a posse, I often take on challenges that no one expects, and I don’t let anything—fear, pain, doubt—get in my way.

 “Most girls like to play pretties, but you like guns do you?”                

Mattie Ross: “I do not care a thing in the world about guns. If I did, I would have one that worked.”

  

Tidal Wave by Owl City

(Song)

   Let’s cut to the chase: sometimes I feel lonely. Clung to by insecurity. Followed by fear. Haunted by depression. When I go through times like that, this is always my go-to song. Adam Young (Owl City) so perfectly and beautifully articulates what it feels like to experience such uncertainty. But then he reminds me that “I’ve found a new Hope from above,” a Hope that transcends all fear and doubt. A Hope that will never let me down.

It hurts just to wake up whenever you’re wearing thin.

Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in.

The end is uncertain, and I’ve never been so afraid,

But I don’t need a telescope to see that there’s Hope,

And that makes me feel brave.

 

Amy’s Song by Switchfoot

(Song)

  If I could have one thing said of me after I’m gone, I would want it to be said that I was on fire. I don’t want to be a lukewarm Christian; I want to be someone who makes a change—someone who was different. Someone who, like the girl in the song, leaves people burning with an unquenchable hunger for salvation.

Salvation is a fire in the midnight of the soul,

It  lights up like a can of gasoline.

Yeah, she’s a freedom fighter, she’s a stand-up kind of girl.

She’s out to start a fire in a bar-code plastic world.


J7-To Love or Not To Love

Confession time: this Journal entry was very difficult to write. By nature, i’m not the sort of person who enjoys or is usually comfortable with talking about personal matters; but here it is. i would appreciate any helpful comments concerning whether my point came across clearly; of course, you may not get why it’s such a big deal to me, and that’s totally fine. But i hope that my general sentiment is discernible. =)

One set of verses that has proven meaningful to me over the past months is Galatians 5:13-15: “You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.” (NIV)

I think that last part is especially poignant; often times Christians will attack their brothers and sisters in Christ because of differing opinions on theological issues. If a person has beliefs contrary to the orthodox stance, other Christians will suggest that the “heretic” is not even saved, though they cannot know his heart. Denominations in the church can be especially guilty of going after each other’s throats, determined to prove that their stance is the correct one, while that of the other denomination must be unbiblical. These actions do not represent Christ-like love, and they tear down the people involved, causing pain, church splits, and confusion.

The problem of condemnation amongst believers can also apply to areas of personal standards. Many times I have witnessed situations where one believer is living in the freedom mentioned in the above verses, while fellow Christians judge and condemn that person for his or her choices.  Sometimes I have been on the receiving end of that judgment; although it has been mild compared to many others, it is still one of the most destructive things that has happened to me.

We find, however, a resolution in the simple but profound command to love others. If a brother or sister in Christ has different standards on modesty, or drinking, or music, we must love. When we encounter someone who views a theological topic with an opposing perspective, we must love. If a believer is living in actual sin, it is not our place to pass judgment; even then, we are called to love. John 13:34-35, “A new command I give to you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

www.recoveringgrace.com


CW3- Cupcakes and Flamethrowers

                                                                            

You are the light of the world.

A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.

Matthew 5:14

  You are the cupcakes of the world. When a person spots a miniature, sprinkle-covered cake, it is difficult— okay, impossible for that person not to keep gazing at the tantalizing treat. Cupcakes are sweet, appealing, and everybody wants one! If you live out Christ’s love in your life, everyone who comes in contact with you will be unable to take their eyes off of your Christ-like heart. Let your life be an example of Christ’s wonderfully sweet love.

 

dragon_fire2  

 

  You are the Dragon’s Breath of the world. A Dragon’s Breath is a bright and impressive flaming shotgun round, similar to a flamethrower. It lights up the night sky, is visible from nearly 50 feet away, and can be used to intimidate enemies. Illuminate the night of this dark world; glow and sparkle in a bold and glorifying way! Give the world something bright and exhilarating to look at that will point the way back to the original Giver of Light.