Reblog: I’ve Been Clean 363 Days

I don’t really have anything to add to this, so I’ll just say that it resonates with me on a very personal level, and mirrors many aspects of my journey the last year and half.

EDIT: on an unrelated note– and yet at the same time, very much related– I could really use prayer today. I received some devastating news this morning that’s really tearing me apart, and I’m kinda going into shock. If anyone could keep me in their thoughts and prayers, it’d be appreciated.

https://medium.com/@MelissaHawks/i-ve-been-clean-363-days-fcc204d234e0


I’m sorry, but I’m done with apologies

 


“Wow, that’s so admirable that you would stay an in abusive relationship for so long! And you were so determined to keep loving him no matter what… most people wouldn’t do that. You’re so strong.”

admirable? strong?? love??? Um, no.

Remaining in that relationship was the most destructive thing I have ever done; it was a sick, twisted codependency, not love; and it was a result of a weakness of character, not a strength of character. Not to say that I blame myself for what happened– I don’t. Or that I view others in abusive relationships as “weak”– I don’t. But the fact of the matter is that it takes a heck of a lot of strength to have self-respect, and to stand up for what you know you are worthy of. That’s a strength I’ve never had, up until about the last 5 months of my life. It’s a strength I wish to God that I DID have 2 years ago, so that I could have avoided the mental, emotional, and physical scars that I’m not convinced I’ll ever be truly rid of. It’s a strength that needs to be understood to BE a strength, and not a selfishness.

I persevered through that hell of a relationship, partly because I thought it was love, but partly because I was experiencing severe chronic depression, and didn’t believe that I deserved any better. He needed someone, and even though he was twisted, dangerous, and unhealthy, I honestly thought it was my purpose to be that person for him, no matter the cost to my own health or to my other relationships. Tell me… what about that is admirable? Because from my perspective, nothing about sacrificing your grades, familial relationships, friendships, ability to confide in anyone but that one person, hope for the future, sanity, and your very sense of self– nothing about that is admirable. It’s not that I was “strong” for not giving up on him, not defending myself to him, not telling anyone the things he did to me. It’s just fucking sad.

It was a nightmare I created for myself, that I would never ever go back to, and that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone– why on earth would that be something you aspire to?

I knew right from the beginning exactly what I was getting into with him. But I never once gave up on it. My own awareness and acceptance through the whole thing continues to haunt me. In the months since, getting through all of the loneliness, confusion, flashbacks, guilt, shame, and horror– THAT took strength. Who I was then was not admirable. But who I am now– while still a flawed, in-the-works person– has made admirable progress. And I intend to keep making progress, until the very day I die.

But I know who I am.

I know what I’m worth.

That’s self-respect. That’s strength. And if anyone doesn’t think it’s right that I so confidently announce my worth– frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn. I don’t need anyone’s approval, and I don’t need anyone’s permission to accept myself. Not anymore. I will not apologize for my existence, and I will not apologize for being proud of who I am. Not anymore.

My love story cannot be sculpted into a tragic tale of gallantry. It is a sad, fucked up story, so don’t you dare be inspired by it.


Thinking Out Loud – Ed Sheeran

without a doubt one of my favorite music videos ever.


are you kidding me

3 years at wordpress. yikes. and I just write/reblog less and less posts each year… at this rate, my anniversary posts will be the only posts!

i know i said earlier this year that i would start journaling here… and i didn’t.

just like last year i said i would post more music and stuff, and i didn’t.

and the year before that when i said i would write more poems… and i didn’t.

well. you get the idea.

and yes, i know i’ve stopped capitalizing. but like… isn’t that the cool blogger thing to do nowadays?? i kid, i kid. i’m just too tired (i somehow always end up writing these in the wee hours of the morning).

WELL. bye again, i suppose. see you next year!

I’M KIDDING. i’m totally gonna write again… like, totally.


Reblog: Dear World, I’m A Christian, But…

“I want you to know that there are still people who believe that the Bible is a tool to help us personally encounter God, not to publicly bulldoze those we disagree with or fear.”
Amen Amen Amen

john pavlovitz

hiding
I am a Christian, but…

… I have a hard time saying that lately, because I know what you’re probably thinking about me the moment I do. You watch the news and you see what’s happening in America, and you have an image in your mind of Christians which I fear you probably automatically lump me into by default.

I understand why. I know that the loudest voices often carry the greatest weight, and right now those voices speaking for my faith tradition are heavy on acrimony and painfully short on compassion. Those voices reek of bigotry and entitlement and manufactured martyrdom. They speak with cruelty and malice and malevolence—but they do not speak for me.

I absolutely don’t believe they speak for Jesus either.

I need you to know that what you witnessed outside the courthouse in Kentucky and everything that has paved the path here in America, does not represent me or millions of…

View original post 617 more words


So here’s what I’m thinking…

Since I don’t have any current writing classes, and I’m feeling bankrupt in the area of inspiration for creativity, why not keep my blog alive with journaling? this year I made a resolution to journal regularly: I bought myself a nice one from Barnes & Noble, and I’ve managed to keep it up better than I ever have before. The nature of it is nothing super personal or related to emotional garbage: it’s just stating what I did that day in simple terms. The vast majority of my entries I won’t even bother publishing, seeing as I lead a horribly uneventful life. But on the occasions that something of importance happens, or something humourous, or I take pictures to correspond with it (for example, I have a mildly interesting entry for the beach day that I recently posted pics of), then I’ll see if I can’t make it into something readable.

We’re not looking at an awful lot of either quantity or quality with this idea, but at least it’ll give me a way to get back in the habit writing, and polishing my writing, until I find better ways to channel creativity. Or rather, find creativity to channel in the first place.

Anyway. Yeah. I think I’ll do that.

I wish a fab day to everyone that reads my blog! (all– what, 2 of you?)


That SoCal Life

One of my favorite things about living in Southern California is that you can be out getting coffee or whatever with your friends in the middle of January, and suddenly be like: “you know what, let’s go to the beach.”

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best thing about having a smartphone: being able to inconspicuously take candids of my beautiful friends

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i can’t remember his name, but apparently this guy is a regular on the pier.

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waves crashing on the jetty

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does this even need a caption

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the pier from a distance, all lit up.

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view of the shore from the far end of a jetty

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i <3 these people (even if the shot is a little awkward)

The eight of us made the drive from Fallbrook to Oceanside, got milkshakes at the Ruby’s Diner on the pier, then walked down the beach to a jetty, from where we watched the sunset. Eventually we drove back to a friend’s house and watched Star Wars. It was actually a somewhat magical day, and a reminder that the simple, unexciting, unplanned things in life are often the fondest memories.